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xNightSurferx — Fly Away
Published: 2012-07-14 02:13:35 +0000 UTC; Views: 184; Favourites: 2; Downloads: 8
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Description
Verse 1Aiming for the stars, I am preparing for the flight
I practice my flying skills, everyday and night.
When my time comes to fly, I will take to the sky
with a yell and a shout, I am on my way.
I will find my place, someday somehow
The skies the limit, so I've been told.
I'll prove this wrong, as I break the holds of gravity.
I have my hope, I am prepared for the journey.
Chorus
The skies the limit, my wings are strong
Listen up, cause this is my song.
I ain't bout to end my life, I've got too much to live for.
Verse 2
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Comments: 8
I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as your other pieces. With a topic like flying and freedom and proving oneself, it needs to be written in a very light and determined way. Remember, in poetry, it is alright to break the rules of grammar sometimes. This was wordy and difficult to read. I wanted to read it like it had a rhyme and a heart beat or a steady wing flap, but it didn't fit that, and it was almost grating. In particular, the first line just has too many syllables, it's too wordy. Instead of reading it out completely, I wanted to read it as "I prepare for flight." This same issue is throughout the entire piece.
It doesn't need to rhyme, but it does need a rhythm, at least, how it is now, it needs one.
It has potential, but the message can't be put across when it's not pleasant to read.
It also doesn't end. I expect it to keep going. I think that putting in a rhythm, and either completely dissolving what rhyming there is or completely employing a rhyme scheme would fix this.
Also, grammar nazi: skies should be sky's, the contraction of sky is, instead of plural skies.
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Thanks for the Critique!!
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Thank you! I'll be finishing it soon ^^
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