Comments: 14
Numbuh1234 [2015-01-13 12:50:41 +0000 UTC]
This fellow seems alright.
I do have a few things I'd like you to note, though:
Firstly, your wording isn't always the best to use, like try to use something other than 'say' time to time.
Secondly, what species is the main character, Zenneth?
Thirdly, why is this gang attacking?
Fourthly, are you implying this guy is powerful? Why?
Fifthly, you should foreshadow the climax earlier in the story, otherwise it comes completely out of nowhere.
Sixthly, when does the flashback happen? Perhaps with the story's length, you could just start where the flashback does?
But the protagonist does seem neat, even if there isn't much special about him. Can I see the app?
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to Numbuh1234 [2015-01-13 13:34:58 +0000 UTC]
Yeeeaaaahh, alright, noted. I'll keep these points in mind for the next one. (And yeah, linking things in descriptions seems to be my worst flaw.)
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xDarkThunder [2014-12-14 00:38:45 +0000 UTC]
Well at least you did something QnQ
I'm still fiddling with my paws here trying to figure something out for the dungeon...
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to xDarkThunder [2014-12-14 02:43:47 +0000 UTC]
Well, this piece has been in my mind for a while now, and considering how long it took for me to finally type it out, you're probably doing alright.
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to julioblah [2014-12-14 03:07:27 +0000 UTC]
Haha, thank you! But do elaborate, what did you mean by buildup?
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julioblah In reply to SpeckulativeDust [2014-12-15 17:33:32 +0000 UTC]
I'm not sure, it's not bad that you immediately go through the exact scene though, since it is an errand after all, plus there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe I just find it too short, but that's just me, maybe for my preference.
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to julioblah [2014-12-15 17:39:50 +0000 UTC]
Duly Noted. I'll try to squeeze in... more when I get started on my dungeon.
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