Comments: 20
Chobin-Hood [2014-05-27 13:50:23 +0000 UTC]
I think I'm going to really like this team. I'm not usually one for 'darker' stories with a focus on death and killing and such, but I will admit it's refreshing to see it done in a manner other than 'edgy, evil pokemon with a callous disregard for life'. Even with all the lives Shandian has taken, it's good to see someone actually making an attempt to show what kind of effect that would have on a person, show that they understand the consequences of what they're doing and that, even though he hates what he's doing and what he's become, Shandian feels that it's something that he must do for the good of others.
A few things I'm curious about, though. First off, and this is mostly a question on writing style, I suppose, but is there any particular reason you numbered the activation phrases for the Driver?
Are the Lock Stones and the Driver perhaps mega stones and something similar to the bracelet like in the XY games? I could be entirely off base with this, but Ryoma saying that they could be the key to their evolution certainly makes me think as much, though perhaps I'm taking the phrase a little too literally. You don't have to answer if you think it would spoil anything down the line.
There wasn't a whole lot of description for the Driver and its equipment, and that's understandable if they're just small things and don't have much in the way of features. The dampeners were described as bands, and the Driver was around his waist so I imagine they're not terribly complex in their looks. But I was incredibly confused about what I was supposed to be thinking of when Shandian suddenly had a 'white combat suit' and then it wasn't really mentioned again after that. I actually forgot he was even wearing it after that scene until I reread it. It doesn't really have any detail at all, and something that would change his appearance as drastically as a full combat suit should probably get a bit more description to it than merely being 'white'.
I was also confused as to what a Muskmel berry was and, since I never got into the berry game in Pokemon, assumed I just hadn't come across the berry before. Checking up on Serebii and then looking into the comments, however, shows that you've created a new berry for your story. This isn't bad in the slightest, but for those who don't immediately understand that it's a new berry and don't know what it's based off of, it might be best to give it a short description so that the reader can visualize it.
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Mavrick4d [2014-05-26 16:18:37 +0000 UTC]
I fking knew that whatever research Ryoma was up to involved "evolution", making the whole species stronger. By the way, did you invent a berry by chance?
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Nox-Nemoris In reply to Mavrick4d [2014-05-26 22:58:28 +0000 UTC]
Yes, the Musmel Berry's real-world equivalent is the muskmelon.
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Mavrick4d In reply to Nox-Nemoris [2014-05-28 03:44:36 +0000 UTC]
And it evidently has special properties we shall see later.
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SpeckulativeDust [2014-05-26 09:00:34 +0000 UTC]
Godhood. As always, Ryoma's dreams sends chills down my spine.
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Nox-Nemoris In reply to SpeckulativeDust [2014-05-26 09:11:03 +0000 UTC]
The whole point of this story is to humanize Ryoma slightly, not to remind you of his goals.
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to Nox-Nemoris [2014-05-26 10:44:47 +0000 UTC]
You'll never be able to show me Ryoma without reminding me of his goals.
Also, this is you we're talking about here.
You'll have Ryoma do something seriously dark just to balance out whatever light you shown here.
(It's mere speculation, but I wouldn't want to get my hopes up by humanising Ryoma until you show him do an act of kindness out of the sincerity of his heart in current time.)
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to Nox-Nemoris [2014-05-26 11:27:02 +0000 UTC]
What happening? Something seriously dark or an act of kindness out of the sincerity of his heart?
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Nox-Nemoris In reply to SpeckulativeDust [2014-05-26 11:34:27 +0000 UTC]
The latter. His kind acts almost always have an ulterior motive behind them.
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SpeckulativeDust In reply to Nox-Nemoris [2014-05-26 11:45:00 +0000 UTC]
Except for when it comes to Shandian, apparently.
I sense bromance.
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Quarteon01 [2014-05-26 08:50:41 +0000 UTC]
It still startles me that Ryoma can be so compassionate at times.
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Nox-Nemoris In reply to Quarteon01 [2014-05-26 09:14:30 +0000 UTC]
Well, he does have his Hidden Depths like the rest of my characters.
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Nox-Nemoris In reply to ActFast231 [2014-05-26 09:14:47 +0000 UTC]
Read it to your little bro then... XD
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ActFast231 In reply to Nox-Nemoris [2014-05-26 09:15:45 +0000 UTC]
I wish. He's only two years behind me xP
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ActFast231 In reply to Nox-Nemoris [2014-05-26 09:19:56 +0000 UTC]
Right! TIME TO FIND CHILDREN TO READ DARK FANFIC TO!
*imnotacreepiassureyou*
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