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calliopen β j'adore l'ete
Published: 2018-04-24 19:26:42 +0000 UTC; Views: 510; Favourites: 16; Downloads: 1
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This is so bloody good!!! The sounds are just wonderful - it's a poem meant to be read out loud but even just visually the alliteration etc. works too. That's something I always struggle with, getting a piece to work both on paper and when read out, and you so nailed it. Also, the ending!!! I always adore your writing but this might be my new fave of yours
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a critique is what you're owed! and what you shall receive!:
i keep coming back to the first two lines here. the pace, the liquidity, the wordplay is wonderful here. i think you have the opportunity to develop your rhyme and imagery a little bit more, in the sense that they feel even more playful and coherent. for instance, the second line has such a rushing pace, i'd love to see it run into another construction in the next (or following) lines. also, "i'm sweating / like a preteen, you were a dream queen floating into my life" is probably my favorite line here, but it felt a little undeveloped. i think there should be a line break after 'queen', and i'd love to see more internal play off of the "ee" sound and perhaps some slant or consonance to work off of "floating into my life". i think that image is particularly impactful, especially given the space it takes up, so i think you should dwell on it a bit more.
at your best, you are able to create very identifiable and familiar images in a refreshing, fun way. but i worry that this can also be your downfall. sometimes no matter how good the execution is, the concept isn't quite there. it's lacking that oomph, or it strays into a kind of corniness that either i've heard before or makes me crinkle my nose. i think you stray into that territory a couple times here-- being pretty and wordy just for their sake, but not actually progressing a narrative. i think in that regard the third stanza is your weakest here. your imagery, your constructions seem to slow down, and while the last two lines are absolutely lovely (and definitely reflective of the sentiment i think i'd like to be developed more), at times the stanza feels like it is just trying to get to the end, rather than really revel in the moment it's in (if that makes sense).Β
i think my biggest piece of advice is to really hunker down on your end goal, what you are trying to say, the moment you are trying to create, and then utilize that pacing and wordplay, and imagery to really develop a home, a new and winding road to get there.
(((je parle un peu de français aussi, donc j'aime le titre!)))
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thank you so very much for the in-depth critique! there's a lot to learn from this, im very grateful.Β
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the thing about your poetry is you write moods. it's really cool--honestly, i don't see enough of this. probably because profs don't like this kinda stuff; it's almost reminiscent of surrealist Spanish poets. almost.
there are a few awkward word choices here and there, but that last stanza really has something.
(i shouldn't be commenting since you entered the contest, but i meant to write this awhile back).
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oh thank you! thats a comment i dont think ive ever gotten before but i really appreciate it! im still definitely in the works as a poet concerning diction and word choice, among other things but im glad you like something about it!
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Youβre very welcome!
Every writer is always improving their craft, so donβt worry about that
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thank you so much!!
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How do you.... how..... I'm speechless this is amazing. Such beautiful imagery, so much emotion....
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w o w thank u so much?????
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I need to stop and breathe after that one!
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